I’m the Glue, mostly

09/29/2010

 

Thank you, Vicky

Recently, I said that I thought my blog should have been called  “The Laundry Room.”

I don’t really.

 

In fact, every day I realize how much more affinity I have for the concept of process over product.

I’m a Zen-girl, though right now, Zen-like calm eludes me.

I wish I could evoke the serenity of Atticus Finch. How did he do it? Do you think he meditated? Probably not. More likely, it’s in your wiring: you’re either serene by nature or you’re a mess who has to work really really hard most days just to hold it together. I think I’ve used the phrase “blind panic” five times in the last few days to describe my mental state. I’m definitely not in my happy place.

But I do have a deep appreciation for living a life without finish lines, of process not product.

Lots of activities are sharply defined. They have beginnings and endings and sometimes even gold stars and participation trophies. That’s fine, I just don’t happen to do any of those things. And I’ve been asked through the years with varying degrees of interest and pointedness,

“So, what do you do?”

“So, what do you do?”

<deep deep sigh>

When I was a sleep-deprived new mom, I would shoot back, “About what?”

When I was a little better rested, I would deflect with, “Oh, you know, I used to study Shakespeare,” because I thought that would suggest that, despite the enervating whiff of capitulation, at one time I had been clever.

It took me a long time before I learned to smile at the questioner and respond,

“Thanks for asking. I’m the glue.”

I’m really sincere when I thank people for asking. What I realized through a million gruesomely awkward conversations is that people mostly just want to talk about themselves. We are all our own most fascinating subjects. So when someone expresses interest, I am sincerely appreciative.

Gratitude is a universal principal, and this I know for sure:

I am grateful.

I have received so many expressions of love and support– I am tearing up right now in befuddled amazement. But the tempo of loving concern has definitely increased in the last few weeks, as our troubles continue and deepen.

I am fully immersed in the process-phase now, no finish line in sight.

And what do I do?

I say thank you.

(And thanks for asking.)

Here’s a sampling of gratitude.

Thank you, Donna and Jim

Thanks, KK (and John)

Thank you, Sherry

Thank you, Sheryl

Thanks, Erin and Phil (you too, Bodhi)

Thank you, Laura and Sam

Thanks, Elizabeth (htam tuoba).

Thanks, Sean and Syd.

Thanks, Mom (you too, Mel)

Thank you, Paul

Thank you, Lois

Thank you, Toni

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3 Responses to “I’m the Glue, mostly”

  1. Sydney Says:

    I love you so much I almost can’t stand it. You make glue beautiful.

  2. Donna Says:

    “You need a hug vehwy, vehwy badly.” I’m drawing a blank right now as to what that quote is from, but it keeps going through my mind. The plan is definite that we’re coming out for Thanksgiving — probably driving — and then I will give you that hug. We all will. Until then, we love you so much, think about you many times every day, in fact, and keep hoping that there’s a window opening somewhere.

  3. melanie Says:

    Sweet, sweet, sweet. Can really relate to the “What do you do” question. So that’s why I answer the question with what I USED to do – it reminds me that “… at one time I had been clever.” I’m always grateful for a bit more self-awareness. Thanks Suzanne. Hope today brings you closer to your happy place.


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